This past weekend, T and I made comments on how crazy it feels for the calendar to show the beginning of July. Most people regularly remark on how fast time goes, but we felt different talking about it this time around. Not sure exactly how to put it into words, but it’s almost like we don’t care. We’re usually hitting panic mode like “the year is half over!” “what else do we want to do before summer is gone once again?!”. None of that this time. We simply don’t pay attention to the date as much right now. The world is different, there are so many other issues people have their minds wrapped up in – personally, nationally or globally – there’s no room to be concerned about time slipping by.
I’ve felt a bit frozen lately.
I’ve been quiet because, well… I feel quiet. Never knowing the right words for any of this. Constantly trying to come up for air, reaching the surface only to get enough before sinking again. The world is still in the middle of a pandemic (that seems to be on the rise again *insert shame for our country here*), we’ve seen the rise of the BLM movement (rightfully so), and personally, I’ve joined the millions of Americans filing for unemployment.
I was laid off my full-time job a few weeks ago – one I truly enjoyed. A lot of emotion has swirled around inside me since it happened and I allowed myself to sit with it for a while. There are distinct silver linings to the situation, but when saying goodbye is not your choice, there are added mental hurdles. Plus, with my history of being completely lost career-wise, this hasn’t helped my professional confidence. It was the weight that finally made me stop moving. To take some time to breathe. I’m good with change, it doesn’t scare me. But man, this year has been a constant roller coaster.
Since November…
Emmett was born, maternity leave, new parent adjustments, back to work, pandemic hits, switch to working from home, social distancing, Covid scares, pull E from daycare, balance him & WFH, put him back in daycare, lose my job, pull E back out, start the stay-at-home-mom life.
Maybe it’s not the change that makes me anxious, but more the uncertainty. Disruption of things we tend to be certain of – traditions, health, jobs, future plans, etc – will make most people a little crazy. It’s something I’m working on accepting & I’m sure I’m not alone.
There was and continues to be so much to digest on a daily basis.
I don’t expect it to change anytime soon. While everything from the pandemic to losing my job has been chaotic and hard to keep up with, I’ve made a conscious decision to continue being a student of it all. I am a researcher at heart, a thorough reader, a true listener. And I believe that is what I can bring to the table right now. Never jumping the gun on opinions, but absorbing multiple viewpoints and finding my way from there. Hopefully having those hard conversations we all need right now. Plus, raising a little boy who deserves to live in a better world we’re in charge of recreating at this very moment.
I pledge to be a student of life, of racism, of politics, of anything… forever and ever. And as a dutiful blogger, I’ll share some good reading/watching/listening I’ve stumbled upon as of late. Enjoy.
Untamed by Glennon Doyle
The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman
13th on Netflix
This history.com article on Jim Crow (because I believe in learning the basics)
Joe Rogan’s podcast conversation with Dan Crenshaw (pre-BLM/very early in pandemic)
Irresistable (newly released movie available to rent on Amazon)
xoxo. B
